Bullying
Bully; Definition
n. a person using strength or power to coerce others by fear
v. persecute or oppress by force or threats
Bullying is engaging in aggressive behaviour to dominate another individual or individuals for personal gain. It is intentional and takes different forms.
Verbal – Saying hurtful things about another, criticising trivial things. Making jokes consistently about another person often aimed at personal qualities such as physical appearance, clothes or hobbies. Spreading rumours about someone. Threatening others or persuading others also to bully. Gossiping constantly about one person or a set of people. Sending text messages in an aggressive manner or sending unwanted e-mails.
Physical – Pushing, hitting, threats of violence and tripping someone up. Snatching, hiding or withholding someone else's belongings.
Gesture – Non verbal, 'dirty looks', staring with threatening undertones.
Excluding – Isolating an individual(s) deliberately, talking 'behind' the person's back, not letting the person know what is happening socially, physically pulling or verbally encouraging others away from an individual, targeting one person so as not to be included as a friend in internet networking sites.
Extortion – Putting pressure on another person to get something from them including, money, food or accompanying the person on 'special' occasions/trips out.
Bullying is destructive and distressing for many reasons. If unchallenged the person using bullying tactics does not learn how to get his/her needs met in respectful ways. Furthermore, society as a whole, does not appreciate this type of behaviour and once exposed can lead to social problems for the person bullying.
The person being targeted may become depressed, lack confidence and lose some sense of self value. Those witnessing the bullying dynamic (bystanders) are often left with a sense of guilt and shame that they did not intervene in actions they know to be wrong.
What You Can Do If You Are Bullying
If you can recognise that you have been using bullying behaviours to get what you want, you are on your way to stopping. A quote from a wise woman called Maya Angelou might help;
'You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better, you did better.'
Talk to someone who you think might be able to help you to change your behaviour and talk through why you might be doing it. This person could be a parent, a teacher, member of school staff or a school counsellor. You can call Childline on 0800 1111 for help. The calls are free and confidential.
You can learn ways of getting your needs met that respect other people and you will feel happier and truly empowered as a result.
If You Are Being Bullied
If you are on the receiving end of bullying behaviour, it is not your fault, the problem is the bully's behaviour not yours or you. Try not to make 'light' of what you know hurts in an attempt to make yourself feel better. However, at the time of the bullying, if verbal, try and act as though you haven't let it in, do not give the person who is bullying a reaction (if that's possible), that is what they want. It is probably better, if you are threatened with a physical attack, to act as confident as you can and tell them to 'stop'. This can be very difficult, in any event move away.
People who bully do not like their behaviour being exposed and may use threats to prevent you doing this. Their behaviour will not change unless challenged by someone who has authority over them. So tell someone in authority about what is going on. This could be a parent(s), a teacher, a trustworthy family member, a school counsellor or call Childline on 0800 1111, the calls are free and confidential. If you feel any one person has not understood the seriousness of what is going on tell another person until you do get heard. If you are worried about not being protected as a result of saying what is happening, let them know this and together work out a plan of action that will help you feel safe. Take this information along, if it might help.
Remember: No one deserves to be bullied under any circumstance.
If You Are Aware Of Bullying
The bullying dynamic can get created in almost any organisation and institution including families and almost become a 'normalised' form of behaviour. It really isn't useful, constructive, respectful behaviour for the reasons stated in this article. If you are asked to take part in bullying behaviour say 'no'. You can say that bullying, aggressive, intimidating, or whatever you see it as, behaviour makes you feel uncomfortable because it is wrong. Know your own mind of what is right and wrong. If you go along with the person bullying you will not feel easy with yourself. You could ask the person being targeted how they might want to be helped, show them this article if you think it might assist you. Does he/she want someone to go with him/her to see a teacher or a trusted person in authority? Other than saying that you are not joining in, you do not need to overly involve yourself with the person who is bullying, let someone in authority take charge of the situation. Do you as a bystander need to talk to an authority figure, Childline on 0800 1111 or a school counsellor?
Finally...
Conflict will happen from time to time in most locations, which to some extent, is understandable. We as humans have diverse needs, customs, beliefs, ideas and ways of being that sometimes do not allow those of others to flourish. The measure of a healthy, respectful community is in how conflicts are resolved. Bullying behaviours and cultures can be changed and you as a respectful empowered individual can make a difference by understanding the nature of this destructive behaviour and deciding how you want to be.